Trip to Phuket
Phuket for the weekend! Fantasy,
fiction, crazy dream? Not if you're an EFL instructor
(English teacher) with your own set of wheels
and stay a couple of hours from the islands
in South Thailand.
Twenty hours a week I teach English
to 13 year old Thai kids. The rest of my time
I devote to the three loves in my life: money,
beer and women - Thai women that is- and not
necessarily in that order! So, Friday morning
I faked a back injury and sms-ed in sick. The
school was very concerned and wanted to take
me to the doctor. Thanx, I replied, wife's already
done that! I don't think my wife bought into
my Having a business meeting in Phuket story,
but she didn't make too big a fuss and let me
Eight thirty: I was at the Trang
traffic department to organize my Thai drivers
license. Phuket police are notorious for pulling
people over and checking their licenses. After
a lot of wai-ing, smiling, photocopies, more
wai-ing and an eight hundred baht donation:
Sorry, no have change, I was off to Phuket on
my new love: Honda V-Twin cruiser or chopper
as the Thais call the Honda Steed.
I took the number 4 road out of
Trang, past Krabi, Phan Nga, over the Sarasin
bridge and onto Phuket island. Destination:
Patong, Phuket's version of Pattaya. Distance:
Approximately 400 kilometers. Time of Arrival:
18:00. Just in time to miss Phuket's crazy rush
hour traffic, yet early enough for happy hour
I took the more scenic road along
the Andaman Sea. I passed through Sikao a fishing
village stretching a couple of kilometers along
the beach. The beaches had beautiful white sand
and the islands were uninhabited. They were
formed through limestone formations that withstood
thousands of years of erosion. The islands
are not flat, more like huge mountains jumping
out of the water. The sea a transparent jade
green. Shop houses lined the road, selling
food or fruit or drinks. Others sold petrol
or tires. Dried fish or fried squid. There was
no shortage of supplies here.
Twenty kilometers from Krabi there
were road works. They were busy widening
the road and it was dangerous to travel. There
was a lot of heavy haul construction vehicles
and I prayed not to run into an overtaking truck.
Just before Krabi airport the road widened into
a four way lane with an island in the middle.
A few kilometers further it t-junctioned into
the Krabi-Phuket road. At the traffic
lights I turned right towards Phuket. Phang
Nga was the next big town.
The scenery between Krabi and Phang Nga is very
beautiful, especially during the rainy season.
The vegetation is indigenous, unspoilt and not
replaced by rubber or coco plantations. Banana
trees grow wild and you can even see some bird
life. It is a good place to invest in real estate
and I can see why many expats make it there
home. The road is wide with a fresh asphalt
surface and a big shoulder for motorbikes.
I passed through a rubber plantation
and a couple of small villages. I passed
a road sign: 80km to Phang Nga, 172km to Phuket.
I should be in Phuket by six, I thought!
I decided to make my next stop Phang Nga and
to fill up. Just before Phang Nga the road split
and I took the slipway left towards Phuket.
It was a narrow twisting road, but there was
not much traffic. I passed a Buddha statue perched
high up on a mountain. Passing trucks
and cars hooted as they passed the symbol of
their faith. Not wanting to upset the
spirits, I pressed my hooter twice.
I saw a sign that said: Phuket
80. It was just before four and I was still
on schedule. The road widened to a double line
either side. It was highway all the way
I was getting closer to Phuket
and I could smell the sea. I passed over the
Thaothepkrasatri Bridge and I was on Phuket
Island. Patong Beach fifty two kilometers away.
As I was getting closer to Phuket the traffic
was becoming heavier. It is tricky to ride in
Thai traffic. Cars and scooters cut in front
of you or push you out of the way. There
wasn't a shoulder for bikes to travel on and
the traffic was moving fast. I had to keep up
with the flow, which was difficult, because
I had to negotiate traffic and see which way
I was going.
before entering Patong you go over a mountain.
The climb uphill and downhill was very steep
and I had to gear down. Those twin pistons were
working hard, creating a deep roar as I climbed
up the mountain. I hit Patong at around six
thirty. September is low season and I got an
air conned room with sea view for six hundred
baht. I dropped my luggage in the room and hot
footed (bike & beer = accident) down the
road to sample what Patong has to offer.
A little cutey waved me across
the road. It was happy hour and I ordered a
couple of 50 Baht Beer Laos and
a 90 Baht lady drink to enjoy the sunset with
one of Patong's finest lasses. She was
approaching 25, came from Isan (don't they all?),
had a miscarriage and was/wasn't married. She
was smart and had all the stock answers ready.
Never work in bar before, only work three months,
no like Thai man, no like boom boom too much.
Learned English from a book, her parents to
poor to send her to school (In Thailand, education
is free, subsidized and compulsory.) She was
sexy, smart and loving. A few more Laos and
lady drinks it was now well past happy hour
and going at 70/120 baht and I hinted at having
dinner somewhere. I wait my boyfriend, she said.
I did say I love money, beer and women, but
I really hate to waste time with any of them.
I don't a bad investment and get no return on
my money. I Check bin (thais get horribly confused
with the L's and N's) and left without leaving
a tip. I walked past one of my previous drinking
spots where I encountered bad service and bad
attitude. The place was deserted and I moved
on. A ladyboy, with absolutely magnificent tits,
hello-handsome-man-where-you-from enticed me
into some heavenly pleasures with a pseudo woman.
It was Friday night, the start of the
weekend and the girls were pouring into the
bars. There was no need to settle for but the
best. I stopped at a go-go at Tiger. The girls
were beautiful, sporting the bar girl trademark:
short skirts and tight tops, jet black hair
and olive skin glowing in the neon. The night
was young and after a few Chang's Thailand's
working class beer, I moved on.
There were a couple of 30 plusses
on the one side and a few ladyboys on the other
side of the road. A little masseuse hanging
out with the katoeys offered a 50 baht discount
You hel(p) me, I hel(p) you, she said in a soft
voice. She was petite with a cute ass and her
eyes were sparkling. Her tinted hair almost
the same colour as her tanned skin. Breasts
small and perky. She was wearing low heeled
shoes and had a sexy walk. I could not resist.
I opted for the oil massage. Putting on some
loud western music she asked me to take my clothes
off. Me shy, no problem, me no look she said.
She took off her T-shirt and shorts and looked
so sexy (bow wow!) in her black leotard. Her
breasts tiny delicious plums. Tight and fruity,
ready to be plucked. Her delicate hands were
massaging my hairy legs and thighs. Motorcycle
fatigue, beer, and the gentle rubbing of therapeutic
oils into my skin had an intoxicating effect.
My hands started to explore. I wanted to taste
the forbidden fruits. Those little buttons were
drawing me. They were well hidden and well covered.
Like a hungry child looking for milk, I tried
to reach them. Tasting the warm, soft flesh.
But she squirmed and moved away. I tried again,
maybe I had a virgin here. I became suspicious,
the mood started to fall away, disappointment,
disgust, anger rose in me. I gave her(????/
him/it!!!) the 300 baht and left. Hanging out
with those katoeys should have warned me.
I decided to take a break and
stroll on the beach. It was not long before
I was approached by an over the top freelancer.
Five hundred baht, she said (I was not asking),
ready to drop her price and more. I headed back
to the main bar area on Soi Bangla.
is low season and the girls are just that more
friendly. I stumbled into yet another beer bar.
Within the proverbial minute two stunners were
flanking me on either side. Lek, the cuter of
the two, was sitting to my left. Again I was
Peter - Peter Pumpkin Eater. She was a beauty,
unspoilt, no tattoos, no drinking and no smoking.
I bought her a lady drink. She was all over
me, a playful little kitten. 28/29, no kid,
from up north (not Isan), past Chang Rai, beautiful
personality, funny and a bit cocky. She spoke
an educated English and had a worldliness about
her. She was soft and a little plump - there
was no mistake here! She wasn’t going
to win a Miss Patong, but surely in a western
country she would be the talk of the town. She
wanted to have a husband, be a good mother,
take care of her family. She later told me that
she was working as an accountant, met a German
guy who promised her the world. They were going
to spend Christmas together in Thailand, she
couldn't get leave, quit her job and was waiting
for her knight in shining armour to show up.
He never did. Disappointed and jobless, she
took to work on the streets, looking for him
every night in the bars of Patong. She never
asked, I gave her a thousand baht (a 7-11 cashiers
wage for the week) and walked her back to the
bar. Would you believe her story? I did.
The beauty of a tourist spot like
Patong is that you can find some good western
food. A 69 Baht sub with salads and Coke at
Subway sobered me up and filled my stomach for
the night. I went back to my hotel and drifted
o'clock: that is the crack of dawn for Phuket
and I was looking for coffee to nurse my hangover.
But the Boys in Brown had beaten me to the chase.
Phuket's Finest were out in full force: polished
boots, starched uniforms pulling skin tight
over those sinew brown bodies. White gloves
and Ray bans completed the picture. You don't
mess with these guys, I thought! They were pulling
over Thais riding without helmets and every
hapless farang crossing their path. Perhaps
one could call it: Early bird catches the worm.
It looked like they were not too successful
in extorting protection money from the bars
the previous night. I took a couple of pics
and they eagle-eyed my every movement.
I continued down the road and
all three pulled me over. I could see dollar
signs in their eyes a trip to the
cop shop or a couple of brown kings for them.
This is a rich farang he has a chopper. Can
I see your license? the meanest said to me in
well rehearsed English. I pulled out my day
old Thai drivers license. His face fell. You
have Thai He looked shocked. Go! I could
not suppress a smile, a triumphant victory.
Thais 0: Falang 1. It was a fine way to start
Later I met up with some old friends
on Kamala, had lunch and a quiet dinner together.
We talked about everything: Thailand, women,
money, politics. He was married and under control
of his Thai wife. Stayed in the Land of Smiles
on and off for ten years and could speak the
language, but couldn't understand the woman
different software, did not how the hard drive
works. We spoke about some serious things, politics
in Thailand, business, visa, the plane crash:
was it human error, could it have been prevented,
are the Thais covering up and how is it going
to effect tourism? I had a couple of beers and
went to bed early. Tomorrow was going to be
a long day on the road. I needed rest.
Sleep just would not come my way.
How can you waste time alone in your bed while
the rest of Patong is pumping away? The official
bar closing time is one. Some hang around the
streets after closing time, hoping to coin it
lucky with another customer or just getting
a soft bed in an air conned hotel for the night,
not having to share it with a family or six
sisters. Die hards drink beer at makeshift bars
on the pavement. Two o'clock the streets start
to get empty. Now only those … katoyes
will try to pick you up. I had two more hours
and headed towards the gogos at Tiger. Will
it be a barfine or a streetwalker? A gogo dancer
or a waitress? The fishbowl or Taipan? A man
is spoilt for choice. It's a buyers market.
A man's world. Definitely not a massage.
Things didn't look too good Sunday
morning. First of all Fon put her clothes back
on when I took mine off. Then there was this
dark cloud build-up outside, with evidence of
rain still visible on the streets of Patong.
My money was finished. I had enough for petrol
and food - nothing left for an emergency. But
I had my trusted Steed and soon we were roaring
down the streets of Patong and onto the highways
of Phuket and Thailand. I opened throttle and
roared past the ill begotten gains of Sodom
and Gomorra. I was going home. Longing to see
those soft black eyes of my two tillaks, missing
them calling me Pa and Po. I called Sao: Miss
you too, drive careful, she said. I missed them.
It was going to be a hard ride home. Stops would
be few and far in between.