Trip to Phuket

Phuket for the weekend! Fantasy, fiction, crazy dream? Not if you're an EFL instructor (English teacher) with your own set of wheels and stay a couple of hours from the islands in South Thailand.

Twenty hours a week I teach English to 13 year old Thai kids. The rest of my time I devote to the three loves in my life: money, beer and women - Thai women that is- and not necessarily in that order! So, Friday morning I faked a back injury and sms-ed in sick. The school was very concerned and wanted to take me to the doctor. Thanx, I replied, wife's already done that! I don't think my wife bought into my Having a business meeting in Phuket story, but she didn't make too big a fuss and let me go.

Eight thirty: I was at the Trang traffic department to organize my Thai drivers license. Phuket police are notorious for pulling people over and checking their licenses. After a lot of wai-ing, smiling, photocopies, more wai-ing and an eight hundred baht donation: Sorry, no have change, I was off to Phuket on my new love: Honda V-Twin cruiser or chopper as the Thais call the Honda Steed.

I took the number 4 road out of Trang, past Krabi, Phan Nga, over the Sarasin bridge and onto Phuket island. Destination: Patong, Phuket's version of Pattaya. Distance: Approximately 400 kilometers. Time of Arrival: 18:00. Just in time to miss Phuket's crazy rush hour traffic, yet early enough for happy hour sundowners.

I took the more scenic road along the Andaman Sea. I passed through Sikao a fishing village stretching a couple of kilometers along the beach. The beaches had beautiful white sand and the islands were uninhabited. They were formed through limestone formations that withstood thousands of years of erosion.  The islands are not flat, more like huge mountains jumping out of the water. The sea a transparent jade green.  Shop houses lined the road, selling food or fruit or drinks. Others sold petrol or tires. Dried fish or fried squid. There was no shortage of supplies here. 

Twenty kilometers from Krabi there were road works.  They were busy widening the road and it was dangerous to travel. There was a lot of heavy haul construction vehicles and I prayed not to run into an overtaking truck. Just before Krabi airport the road widened into a four way lane with an island in the middle. A few kilometers further it t-junctioned into the Krabi-Phuket road.  At the traffic lights I turned right towards Phuket. Phang Nga was the next big town. 
 
The scenery between Krabi and Phang Nga is very beautiful, especially during the rainy season. The vegetation is indigenous, unspoilt and not replaced by rubber or coco plantations. Banana trees grow wild and you can even see some bird life. It is a good place to invest in real estate and I can see why many expats make it there home. The road is wide with a fresh asphalt surface and a big shoulder for motorbikes. 

I passed through a rubber plantation and a couple of small villages.  I passed a road sign: 80km to Phang Nga, 172km to Phuket. I should be in Phuket by six, I thought!  I decided to make my next stop Phang Nga and to fill up. Just before Phang Nga the road split and I took the slipway left towards Phuket.  It was a narrow twisting road, but there was not much traffic. I passed a Buddha statue perched high up on a mountain.  Passing trucks and cars hooted as they passed the symbol of their faith.  Not wanting to upset the spirits, I pressed my hooter twice. 

I saw a sign that said: Phuket  80. It was just before four and I was still on schedule. The road widened to a double line either side.  It was highway all the way to Phuket!

I was getting closer to Phuket and I could smell the sea. I passed over the Thaothepkrasatri Bridge and I was on Phuket Island. Patong Beach fifty two kilometers away. As I was getting closer to Phuket the traffic was becoming heavier. It is tricky to ride in Thai traffic. Cars and scooters cut in front of you or push you out of the way.  There wasn't a shoulder for bikes to travel on and the traffic was moving fast. I had to keep up with the flow, which was difficult, because I had to negotiate traffic and see which way I was going.

Just before entering Patong you go over a mountain. The climb uphill and downhill was very steep and I had to gear down. Those twin pistons were working hard, creating a deep roar as I climbed up the mountain. I hit Patong at around six thirty. September is low season and I got an air conned room with sea view for six hundred baht. I dropped my luggage in the room and hot footed (bike & beer = accident) down the road to sample what Patong has to offer.

A little cutey waved me across the road. It was happy hour and I ordered a couple of  50 Baht  Beer Laos and a 90 Baht lady drink to enjoy the sunset with one of  Patong's finest lasses. She was approaching 25, came from Isan (don't they all?), had a miscarriage and was/wasn't married. She was smart and had all the stock answers ready. Never work in bar before, only work three months, no like Thai man, no like boom boom too much. Learned English from a book, her parents to poor to send her to school (In Thailand, education is free, subsidized and compulsory.) She was sexy, smart and loving. A few more Laos and lady drinks it was now well past happy hour and going at 70/120 baht and I hinted at having dinner somewhere. I wait my boyfriend, she said. I did say I love money, beer and women, but I really hate to waste time with any of them. I don't a bad investment and get no return on my money. I Check bin (thais get horribly confused with the L's and N's) and left without leaving a tip. I walked past one of my previous drinking spots where I encountered bad service and bad attitude. The place was deserted and I moved on. A ladyboy, with absolutely magnificent tits, hello-handsome-man-where-you-from enticed me into some heavenly pleasures with a pseudo woman.  It was Friday night, the start of the weekend and the girls were pouring into the bars. There was no need to settle for but the best. I stopped at a go-go at Tiger. The girls were beautiful, sporting the bar girl trademark: short skirts and tight tops, jet black hair and olive skin glowing in the neon. The night was young and after a few Chang's Thailand's working class beer, I moved on.

There were a couple of 30 plusses on the one side and a few ladyboys on the other side of the road. A little masseuse hanging out with the katoeys offered a 50 baht discount You hel(p) me, I hel(p) you, she said in a soft voice. She was petite with a cute ass and her eyes were sparkling. Her tinted hair almost the same colour as her tanned skin. Breasts small and perky. She was wearing low heeled shoes and had a sexy walk. I could not resist. I opted for the oil massage. Putting on some loud western music she asked me to take my clothes off. Me shy, no problem, me no look she said. She took off her T-shirt and shorts and looked so sexy (bow wow!) in her black leotard. Her breasts tiny delicious plums. Tight and fruity, ready to be plucked. Her delicate hands were massaging my hairy legs and thighs. Motorcycle fatigue, beer, and the gentle rubbing of therapeutic oils into my skin had an intoxicating effect. My hands started to explore. I wanted to taste the forbidden fruits. Those little buttons were drawing me. They were well hidden and well covered. Like a hungry child looking for milk, I tried to reach them. Tasting the warm, soft flesh. But she squirmed and moved away. I tried again, maybe I had a virgin here. I became suspicious, the mood started to fall away, disappointment, disgust, anger rose in me. I gave her(????/ him/it!!!) the 300 baht and left. Hanging out with those katoeys should have warned me.

I decided to take a break and stroll on the beach. It was not long before I was approached by an over the top freelancer. Five hundred baht, she said (I was not asking), ready to drop her price and more. I headed back to the main bar area on Soi Bangla.

It is low season and the girls are just that more friendly. I stumbled into yet another beer bar. Within the proverbial minute two stunners were flanking me on either side. Lek, the cuter of the two, was sitting to my left. Again I was Peter - Peter Pumpkin Eater. She was a beauty, unspoilt, no tattoos, no drinking and no smoking. I bought her a lady drink. She was all over me, a playful little kitten. 28/29, no kid, from up north (not Isan), past Chang Rai, beautiful personality, funny and a bit cocky. She spoke an educated English and had a worldliness about her. She was soft and a little plump - there was no mistake here! She wasn’t going to win a Miss Patong, but surely in a western country she would be the talk of the town. She wanted to have a husband, be a good mother, take care of her family. She later told me that she was working as an accountant, met a German guy who promised her the world. They were going to spend Christmas together in Thailand, she couldn't get leave, quit her job and was waiting for her knight in shining armour to show up. He never did. Disappointed and jobless, she took to work on the streets, looking for him every night in the bars of Patong. She never asked, I gave her a thousand baht (a 7-11 cashiers wage for the week) and walked her back to the bar. Would you believe her story? I did.

The beauty of a tourist spot like Patong is that you can find some good western food. A 69 Baht sub with salads and Coke at Subway sobered me up and filled my stomach for the night. I went back to my hotel and drifted away.

9 o'clock: that is the crack of dawn for Phuket and I was looking for coffee to nurse my hangover. But the Boys in Brown had beaten me to the chase. Phuket's Finest were out in full force: polished boots, starched uniforms pulling skin tight over those sinew brown bodies. White gloves and Ray bans completed the picture. You don't mess with these guys, I thought! They were pulling over Thais riding without helmets and every hapless farang crossing their path. Perhaps one could call it: Early bird catches the worm.  It looked like they were not too successful in extorting protection money from the bars the previous night. I took a couple of pics and they eagle-eyed my every movement.

I continued down the road and all three pulled me over. I could see dollar signs in their eyes   a trip to the cop shop or a couple of brown kings for them. This is a rich farang he has a chopper. Can I see your license? the meanest said to me in well rehearsed English. I pulled out my day old Thai drivers license. His face fell. You have Thai  He looked shocked. Go! I could not suppress a smile, a triumphant victory. Thais 0: Falang 1. It was a fine way to start the day!

Later I met up with some old friends on Kamala, had lunch and a quiet dinner together. We talked about everything: Thailand, women, money, politics. He was married and under control of his Thai wife. Stayed in the Land of Smiles on and off for ten years and could speak the language, but couldn't understand the woman different software, did not how the hard drive works. We spoke about some serious things, politics in Thailand, business, visa, the plane crash: was it human error, could it have been prevented, are the Thais covering up and how is it going to effect tourism? I had a couple of beers and went to bed early. Tomorrow was going to be a long day on the road. I needed rest.

Sleep just would not come my way. How can you waste time alone in your bed while the rest of Patong is pumping away? The official bar closing time is one. Some hang around the streets after closing time, hoping to coin it lucky with another customer or just getting a soft bed in an air conned hotel for the night, not having to share it with a family or six sisters. Die hards drink beer at makeshift bars on the pavement. Two o'clock the streets start to get empty. Now only those … katoyes will try to pick you up. I had two more hours and headed towards the gogos at Tiger. Will it be a barfine or a streetwalker? A gogo dancer or a waitress? The fishbowl or Taipan? A man is spoilt for choice. It's a buyers market. A man's world. Definitely not a massage.

Things didn't look too good Sunday morning. First of all Fon put her clothes back on when I took mine off. Then there was this dark cloud build-up outside, with evidence of rain still visible on the streets of Patong. My money was finished. I had enough for petrol and food - nothing left for an emergency. But I had my trusted Steed and soon we were roaring down the streets of Patong and onto the highways of Phuket and Thailand. I opened throttle and roared past the ill begotten gains of Sodom and Gomorra. I was going home. Longing to see those soft black eyes of my two tillaks, missing them calling me Pa and Po. I called Sao: Miss you too, drive careful, she said. I missed them. It was going to be a hard ride home. Stops would be few and far in between.